Continuing On

I've been thinking about my blog lately and have been missing the satisfaction I get when I write and publish a post. Ever since Inara has been born, I unfortunately don't have the time I'd like to have to put into blogging on a regular basis. It kinda bums me out, but then I think about what I am focusing on and I know that is more important.
I told Sean the other day that I have come to accept the fact that my life is on hold (to a certain degree) while I have a newborn and a toddler. I must savor this time since I will never get it back.
And I know that the time will come (dare I say too soon?) where I am once again, free to post things as often as my heart desires.

Until then I will be storing up ideas and pictures and adventures to share with the few who read this. Oh, and spending time with my sweet babies.

Lately

I just realized it's been almost two months since I blogged, and that I hadn't blogged much prior to that.  And that I miss blogging. Which made me think "Why haven't I blogged in a while?" Then I immediately thought, "Oh right. I have two children under the age of two." And then I wanted to cry.

Two under two is difficult. It is challenging. It makes you want to pull your hair out. So sometimes you just have to cry, then take a deep breath and keep going.

I often remind myself that this stage of life is not forever. My babies will not be small forever. Someday they will no longer have a constant need for me. One day they will be self sufficient and be able to meet their own needs. Then  that makes me want to cry too.

So many emotions have been filling my heart lately. Mostly joy and happiness. But also frustration. Struggling to feel like a woman, not just a Mama. Finding the balance between chaos and routine. Putting aside things that don't HAVE to get done so that I can spend time holding Inara and coloring with Declan. Telling myself that the dishes that are piling up in the sink and the dust bunnies collecting on the floor can wait, but my children can not.

Mother hood is a difficult and challenging responsibility. It is the toughest job I have ever had, but the most rewarding one as well. I have to daily surrender my wants, needs, and desires in order to provide my children with a life that is happy, healthy, stable, and memorable.

I heard someone say once that parenting is easy, if you don't care how your children turn out.

Well, I do care. So that's what I've been doing lately...caring.

Weeks

I am currently measuring my time in weeks. It's been two weeks since I gave birth to Inara May. Sean went back to work today and I am on my own for a week until my mom arrives to help out for two weeks. I've been thinking back on the week before Inara came and all that took place during that time. The anticipation, emotion, excitement, and intensity of it all. The fact that my mom was visiting for a week and Inara came while she was here. In two more weeks Inara will be a month old and I will wonder where the time went.
This morning I was looking through the pictures that my friend Nina took during my labor and delivery, remembering all the details of the night/morning of Inara's birth and I thought it was appropriate to post some of them with this blog.

The Birth of Inara May

On Thursday, May 2nd I had my 38 week check up with my Midwife. I had been having some pretty strong and fairly consistent contractions since Friday, April 26th, as well as some pinching in my cervical area. She proceeded with the appointment as usual, and when we were finished with all of that, she asked me to tell her about the contractions I had been feeling and how often I was getting them. After I explained everything to her she asked if I wanted her to check my cervix to see how far I was dilated, I was very curious to see if all the action I was getting was doing anything, so I said yes. She estimated that I was probably only going to be 4 or 5 cm and I was thinking that sounded pretty accurate. As I am on the table and she is checking me, she looks at me and the below conversation is what followed:
Midwife: "You are a wild woman aren't you?"
Me: "What does that mean?"
Midwife: "You are at an 8"
Me: "Are you joking?"
Midwife: shakes her head "Let me just check again. Ok, now I'm going to triple check. Yeah, you are an 8".
I was completely shocked and amazed. I looked at Sean and he just looked back and forth between me and my Midwife. Then, we all discussed what my options were, and made a decision based on those.
We decided that we would not go home that night, but Sean would go home to get all our stuff and I would go spend some time walking around to keep the contractions coming. My mom just happend to be in town visiting that week so she, Declan and I went to the mall, and walked around for about an hour. Then we met Sean for dinner, after which my mom took Declan home and Sean and I went to a park for another walk, then back to the Birth Center. Sean's mom came to our house to wach Declan so that my mom could join us at the center and be there for the birth of Baby #2; our dear friend Nina followed shortly after as she would be our doula for the delivery.
Around 10pm things were't slowing down, but they weren't progressing either, so my Midwife came into the room and suggested some options that we could procede with. She left Sean and I to make the ultimate decision, and after MUCH thinking, praying and discussing, we felt that having my Midwife break my water was the best option. So, around 11pm my waters were broken, and after a few minutes I began experiencing very strong, very frequent contractions. After about a half hour, my Midwife came in and said that we should get me in the tub since things were progressing so fast. Then, after about a half hour in the water I felt the urge to push. I started pushing around 12am and 14 minutes later, our baby girl was born!
Unfortunately, she had one of her arms up next to her head, so it made it even more difficult to push her out, and I lost a lot of blood and had to be given an IV of fluids, and be stitched afterwards. But all in all it was an amazing, unforgettable experience that I would not trade for the world!

Spring Activities

At the beginning of the month of April, Sean and I decided that we wanted to try and rest as much as possible and not cram too many events/outings into our free time. I think it has worked pretty well and we've had lots of time to relax and get ready for Baby #2's arrival.

A couple things we have done are, attend an Arbor Day event that turned out to be kind of a bummer because it started to rain, and there wasn't much for a 1 and a half year old to do there; and take a picnic to Bear Creek Park.

Both were low key events where we just got to enjoy each other's company and not be rushed or feel pressured to do more than we wanted. Sean and I do have a night away planned for this coming Saturday, but other than that we are continuing to keep things close to home and not commit to much. Which is why you will probably not see many blog posts for a while.

nos·tal·gia

Noun A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

I am experiencing feelings of nostalgia today. For some reason I woke up missing Napa (where I grew up) and my family (who all live in California). I am also feeling a strong desire for it to be summer, so that I may enjoy the long, warm days that the season brings.

These feelings have left me with a desire to take a trip to visit my family this summer. To enjoy the beautiful colors of the Sonoma and Napa Valley's, to go swimming in the pool at my parent's house, to have a BBQ with all my loved ones, to smell the unmistakable aroma of sunscreen, to go on evening walks with my husband and children, to warm my pale, winter skin in the sun.

I hope that a trip can be attained even though we will be adding a newborn to our family very soon. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the next few months bring...

The End Is Near

Right now I am 34 weeks pregnant (but measuring 38).
I am not sleeping well.
I am tired all the time.
I am irritable.
I am impatient.
I am starting to waddle.
I get frustrated easily.
I have no energy.
I have no motivation.
And I am so ready to be done!

But, the end is near. 6 more weeks until my due date. Or sooner maybe.
I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see why I am measuring 4 weeks ahead. My midwife thinks it is just excess fluid, but wants to be sure. Maybe it's because my dates are off and baby is due sooner than May 13th. One can hope right?

I'm not typically a complainer, so forgive me for sounding that way. I just needed an outlet, and I look at my blog as a sort of journal for sharing what I am feeling. The good AND the bad.

Thank you for listening.